I have noticed lately that I used to break a lot less stuff when I played roller derby. Honestly, retiring from derby has been more complicated and depressing than I ever expected. I want it so bad, and I spend hours trying to figure out how to go back...even if my surgeon and my knees say "NO." To say it has sucked, or that it still sucks at this moment, would be an understatement. But, I digress. Frustration is a powerful little bugger. It's sneaky and you don't always realize it's building up. You get more sensitive to sounds. You get impatient and cranky. You slam doors. You grit your teeth. And finally, when it reaches a breaking point...YOU SNAP!! Having retired from derby, other than being critically depressed over it, I also realize how derby was, for me, the most effective method of mediating stress and frustration. A physical outlet to decompress. Now, because my knees have dictated I move on...I am noticing that I am less patient, more irritable, and I break more stuff...accidentally. And by accidentally, I mean, I don't recognize the build up and then...BAM! That poor mug handle didn't stand a chance. Or the unsuspecting remote, may it rest in peace, it was just a tool that was sacrificed to the brewing wrath of frustration. I finally confessed to destroying it, and my gracious husband hasn't given me too much grief about needing to change the channel or adjust the volume by actually GETTING UP! He's a gracious and amazing man. It's clear, I need a new outlet. STAT. Before any more remotes or mug handles lose their lives. I'm working on it. Money and time are pains in my ass. Don't worry I'll find a solution, but I suppose me actually DOING it is the rest of the recipe. Motivation, purpose, and weight loss are on the agenda and each merit their own posts. Right now, I focus on WHY I am sooooo frustrated and stressed. Manage the disease, not the symptoms, right?
Step one? Face the reality. The truth is...the other piece of the puzzle would be to own the fact that I actually create a lot of my own stress. Yes, I CREATE MY OWN ANXIETY. It stings a little, since I would like to think I am not at the core of my own problems, but it's the reality. A recent read (recommended by my precious husband) was a blog titled, "The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck" (http://markmanson.net/not-giving-a-fuck). It reminded me that I create a crap ton of stress and anxiety by caring way too much about things that don't merit the real estate in my head. Boom! Of course there are plenty of other legitimate stressors and frustrations, but I am actually in the position to diminish my stress, and thereby calm down the pressure cooker, by learning not to worry about things that don't deserve the time. Can I get an Amen? What if I just decided to let some of the crap go? Not get all worked up over someone scoffing at me because I made a mistake, or watching somene getting away with murder in the carline at pick-up. They will bear the burden of their own decisions...or maybe, they won't. Why do I have to invest emotional resources into something that isn't worth it? How about I decide not to worry so much about what other people think I should be or do or say? Or worry less about the other people who don't even KNOW me? Be me without apology? Yes, this seems like something worth trying. This is the answer to (part of) my problems. For those of you who have learned or mastered the art of letting things go, do not hesitate to offer your expertise. I'll keep you posted on how it goes...
