As is the case today. I saw the above sentiment written this morning and I immediately was reminded of a woman over a year ago who told me, "roller derby made you happy, but now...having to retire...you have to find a new avenue to happy. You can't find the same happy in the place you lost it." Yea, yea...I nodded in acknowledgement, while really just ignoring the idea that I really had to move on from roller derby. But now, the message is here again. It has reappeared. Apparently, I need to listen and explore the idea that I need to look for happy in something else.
Now, for roller derby, that could mean many things. Although I can't bout, I can officiate or continue to support the league as a coach, support staff, or fan. I see skaters do that all the time. There are countless ways to be involved in derby. I mean, countless. Mascot? Announcer? Yup. And I tried. I really did. I jumped into becoming a referee with all my guts and wanted it to work. I got to skate and be involved in the sport I adore. I participated in trainings and clinics and reffed a few bouts, too. I was a baby ref and I threw myself in, but I wasn't happy. I was jealous of the skaters when I worked as a ref or NSO (non-skating official), and reffing was much more challenging than you can imagine. (See my post titled: Adventures in Roller Derby: Episode 3, Officially Official) I wasn't ready for it, and as much as I wanted it to work, I wasn't ready. I would think about derby all the time and ultimately end up shying away from getting involved again, because it made me so sad. I thought I would try a drop in skate and feel the thrill of skating and support the league as a fan. I never made it. I thought perhaps I would make a great announcer and reached out to my favorite announcers for resources and insight. I haven't held a mic. I asked about helping the coaching staff. I never followed through. And I still haven't attended a bout. I hid a lot of derby feeds on my Facebook page. I avoided wearing derby t-shirts, so I wouldn't have to explain that I wasn't skating anymore. Why? What am doing? How can I have done a complete 180 and turn my back on this sport that changed my life?
First, you must know that derby is all consuming.There is a joke that derby is a "jealous lover". Derby will always want more of you and you will never have free time. It consumes you. It's all derby all the time. And IT. IS. TRUE. Derby becomes a part of every fiber of your being. The joys and trials are addicting and magical. Like, Unicorns and rainbows, magic. For real. When derby wasn't there...I had more time for my family and other passions and I think I liked that. Second, the reality of retiring from
roller derby ended up being more emotionally complicated and painful than the physical
side effects the sport bestowed. It hurt to see my comrades skate and play. It hurt to answer questions about my beloved sport. It hurt to see Rollercon 2014 come and go without me. It hurt to let my WFTDA insurance lapse. The more time passed the more final my dissociation from derby became a reality. I stopped making excuses to people for why I hadn't showed up to skate or sign up to ref. Actually, I just avoided most people that knew derby and I had once been having a decadent affair. I love that sport. But, I couldn't pretend that I was still there...like a creepy ghost. I missed my derby sisters more than you can imagine, but it hurt more to see them. *sigh* So, there it is. The real truth about it. I can't be around derby because I'm still mourning the loss. AvaLanche #00. I miss that gal. She was funny and strong. I miss derby. I miss the rush of conquering something on skates and growing. With all the good and bad, derby changed me forever. I have read countless blogs on skaters retiring, and although they offer true insight into how hard it is to retire, I haven't found one that offers much consolation because few discuss the fact that sometimes you don't stay involved and derby becomes a part of your PAST. Will I ever go back? Can I make the re-commitment to being consumed? Then, I am reminded that I have serious issues with my knees, even if they have improved with my "medical retirement" hiatus...they are still the same messed up knees. I vacillate weekly. It's maddening and I wish sometimes I would just shit or get off the pot. In fact, last Saturday my son had a soccer game and the field happened to be right next door to where my league practices AND it happened to the same time they practice. Should I go? Pick the scab, so to speak? You all know me. Of course I went! I watched for a few minutes while the beautiful ladies ran a pace line with a hitting drill. My heart raced and sank at the same time. I want that again...but how? Yup. Here we go again, the same back and forth. All that, and you are probably wondering when this is going to come back around to the concept of looking for happiness in different places. From the sounds of it, I am still trying to find happiness in derby but struggle to make sense of it or reach success...even over a YEAR later. What's the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Clearly, I need to try something new. I laugh a little, because the message was there the whole time...I just refused to listen, and in doing so I took a whole lot longer to make progress. We'll see if I learn something new this time. Here's to looking in different directions for happiness...for now...
CHEERS!
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