Hey, Me! Get out of MY WAY!!

Seriously, how often have you been frustrated trying to achieve a goal and you painstakingly seek out the reason you are stuck with no success?  Yea, me too.  Only today, I decided that I am going to point the finger at the person who is really screwing me up...ME!  Reality sucks sometimes, especially when you realize your at fault.  I'm in my own way.  It's a yucky feeling, that ownership of fault.  Knowing YOU did it, sucks. People instinctively avoid unpleasant feelings.  Makes sense, right?  Maybe you deny it?  Maybe you get angry?  Maybe you ignore it?  Maybe you wanna hide from it?

If you can't see me, then I didn't do it!

The "dealing" with it is the part that can make or break you.  That's life.  Mistakes happen.  Shit happens, right?  There's no way around it.  How you handle these inevitable life pests is what makes you, You.  Okay, so it seems like a pretty straightforward deal, pun intended. I hear lots fabulous positivity about mistakes making you stronger, better, wiser, and I get it. However, for me, handling myself in the light of these mistakes is one of the more challenging facets of my fantastically complicated personality.  You see, I'm a perfectionist, and perfectionism and mistakes aren't really good friends.  Like many perfectionists, I am harshly critical of myself.  Don't worry too much, I'm working on it, and that's where this all comes together today.  Being constantly critical of myself hasn't allowed me to praise the progress I have made because of the flaws I inherently see.  So, never having given myself the credit, I ended paralyzing myself. This is how I get in my own way.  Whether it's a roller derby goal, a manicure, a weight loss goal, a professional goal, or a relationship, I often don't acknowledge the greatness happening in my life.  Shame on me!  Sometimes I do, but it usually means I am seeing the rewards of helping someone else achieve their goals.  I don't know if it's because I'm turning 40 or recognizing that I'm teaching my boys by example, but it's time to evolve if I'm going to let ME enjoy my life!  Today, I "re-restarted" a goal that I have already restarted over and over and over.  It gets real old beating yourself up for the same stuff again and again.  This time, I am going to do it with my new mindset.  Sure, there will be setbacks, flaws, mistakes, but there's still progress hiding in there.  I'm hoping that giving myself the credit I deserve, however riddled with error it is, will allow me to get past myself and reach my goal...permanently, not perfectly. 

Right? 

That's the moral of the story, but now I have a completely unrelated concern.  I was having this discussion with a few friends the other day...why in the hell do houses continue to be designed with bathrooms right on the kitchen or dining room?  What is that?!?  I call it torture.  I hate those bathrooms. There is so much fear of using them.  Inevitably, I am forced to use them when there's no music playing and quiet conversation happening right outside the very thin cardboard door.  Oh, and it surely won't have a fan in there to drown out sound. Bathrooms need to be far far away from EVERYTHING!!  This is plea to designers everywhere.  Random and weird, I know.  Welcome to my random and perfectly imperfect mind. See?  I'm already embracing the journey. (wink, wink)

Adventures in Roller Derby: Episode 2, You passed...Now what?

There I was, officially skating as a league member of South Coast Roller Derby...with the big girls.  Crap.  Now what?  Every practice I was so nervous, I would feel sick.  These girls knew their shit and well, I was just trying not to die...or piss them off with my "newbieness".  I quickly realized that trying to stay on my skates was only a tiny piece of the pie.  I had to learn the game, and let me tell you...this is one of the more complicated sports I've ever known.  Roller derby is simultaneous offensive and defensive play, rules that make your head spin, aggressive athletic rigor, and yea...it's all on skates. Again...Crap. 2 minutes never felt so terrifying. 

The early days...with Canada Crush. Photo credit: Potty Mouth Pepper

But wait, let's not forget that as scary as it may sound, derby girls are some of the most encouraging and supportive people I have ever met.  Make no mistake though, they are also some of the scariest women I have met...but they have big hearts for those wanting to learn and wanting to work.  If I would fall and they would applaud and shout "good falling small", or "way to choose a cheek".   Yelling for me to get up quick and keep rolling.  They would remind me that they started out the same way and to be patient.  I would leave practice feeling exhausted and beat up, but very proud of the progress I had made, however minute.  Little victories like not eating shit when I took a hit, getting through a paceline without taking out three skaters, looking behind me while I was skating, or bit by bit understanding more about the game.  Weeks and months went by and every little thing started to add up.  I could see it.  I was evolving into an effective part of the team!  I was going to make a roster and I was going to play my first bout!  I was scared and excited and proud.  But, wait...there was a slight mishap...nothing is ever simple in my fantastically complicated life. Can you guess?  You get 3 chances and the first two don't count...yup, my knees.  Damn those buggers.  I was skating in the ever famous Swallows Day parade and in an attempt to not end up in a horse's ass (literally)...I took a digger and fell right square on my knees.  Yes, yes, I had knee pads on...but I still felt something very, very wrong. 

 It was a great day for a parade...

Photo credit: Jason Graney (2011)

After several doctor visits, xrays, and MRIs it was decided that both knees needed surgery.  Yuck.  My knees had endured years of abuse as a catcher and goalkeeper, and derby just accelerated what was inevitably going to happen.  No first bout for me.  Damn!  Do people come back from double knee surgery?   I even had my SCRD uniform shirt all ready for its debut and my family was even coming to town.  Bah!  (Insert long string of expletives here). However, I learned that yes, there was still derby in my future...people come back after snapped ankles and all sorts of incredible injuries and surgeries.  The Derby breed are tough people with a passion for the game that surpasses their concern for enduring pain.  I was relieved to know that there was still derby in my future, but still pouting that there was not a bout in my imminent future.  This is where it all took an interesting turn.  While perusing Facebook one night, cocktail in hand, with all my "I wish I could be involved" pouting going on...I noticed a post that said they needed someone to sing the National Anthem for the bout.  I think I stared at that post for about two hours.  Then, with the liquid courage fully in effect, I typed in "I can sing."  Mind you, I had never sung our Country's anthem...but now,  it was on.  Crap.  Then, it caught wind that I was available for the bout and not skating.  NSO (Non-skating official), here I come!  I think I was assigned to the Outside Whiteboard, helping track penalty calls from the Outside Pack Referees.  Okay, okay, so maybe you're thinking why is she going on and on about this one bout?  Because this one bout hooked me.  Skating or not, derby was for me.  (Remember this in my future episodes...it's a recurring theme in the limitless derbyverse).  It was also the bout that served as the "last hoorah" before my scheduled surgery a week later.  Go out with a bang, right? So, there you have it, the first hiccup in my derby career.  Stay tuned for more...there's always more.

The first bout that totally hooked me...I'm waiting to sing and nervous as CRAP!

Go time!  Check one off the bucket list! Photo credit Jason Graney (2011)

Manicures make me smile.

OPI Skull and Glossbones with zebra stripes.

 Fun with nail polish! Always looking for something new to do! 

 Check out my past manicures...

To Valentine or not to Valentine?

   

    I've noticed that when the famous, or infamous, "V-day" (also celebrated as SAD; Single Awareness Day) comes to town, there is a great divide of reactions.  Embrace it or despise it?  What is it about this day that provokes us so?  Whether positive or negative, people respond to it.  I looked into the history (yes, yes...history.  Shhh, bear with me, I have a point!) of this either beloved or despised holiday and was very surprised that it all began with the Romans as  Lupercalia (a celebration of fertility and love), a ceremony of animal sacrifice and striking women.  No, not striking in the way that "you are so pretty, I'd like to get to know you" kind of way, but striking...as in hitting..with the skins of the sacrificed animals!! EW!! Weird, right?  Anyways, the holiday has spent hundreds of years evolving and mutating into what we now know as Valentine's Day.
     Long story short, two men named Valentine were executed on February 14, of two different years by the Romans.  The Catholic Church honored the mens' selfless actions with the creation of St. Valentine's Day.  There is also the possibility that later on, the Norman holiday, Galatin's Day (Galatin meaning "lover of women") may have been mixed up in the pot.  Basically, it's confusing and it would seem to me that the lack of "this is how it all started" would give me the "do as you see fit with this holiday" nod.  (Okay, okay...I really do use "rabbit ears" when I talk too, and it is VERY possible I have no idea how to appropriately use them.) *wink*

     So, the reality is that there is not really a clear idea of the holiday's origin.  Okay, here's my point.  (Thank you for riding out the history report).  Considering the holiday has such speculative origins, and really doesn't have any one single meaning, why is it such a big deal for people to assign or deny value in it?  Sure, timing of relationships (whether or not you are in one) is a huge factor of the temper this holiday.  But, nowadays even the people who are in a blissful relationship have a problem with Valentine's Day.  They describe that the DAY itself shouldn't be the time to honor your partner, but it should be everyday.  It seems that for some, it's almost as if this day undermines the 364 other days of work that go into their partnership. And for those that aren't with someone, it serves as this conviction or painful reminder.  Oh, Valentine's Day...you elusive drop of monkey sweat.

     I've noticed in my perusing of Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter, that couples have apologized for being in love and celebrating, or some find themselves rubbing it in and bragging.  I've seen that single people feel compelled to curse or forfeit the holiday, or embrace and/or flaunt the freedom and benefits.  Here's my bottom line.  The way you regard this holiday is entirely up to you.  I am curious why this day is so powerful with all it's, "I don't really mean any one single thing."  How does it have so much potential to judge? Considering it is a melting pot holiday that has had generations of tweaking, maybe we should (if we already don't) make it whatever suits us and not worry about the rest.  If the only consistent theme for the history of this holiday is the idea of "love", honor love however it makes you tick.  Ain't no reason to judge based on a confusing history and what other people think, right?  Happy Valentine's Day, peeps.

Seipel, Arnie. (February 13, 2011). The Dark Origins Of Valentine's Day; http://www.npr.org

Hidden talent: Nail art...yes, I have the patience for these tiny canvases.

Nails are a hobby of mine.  Here is a collection of some Valentine themed nails I have done.  

Happy Valentines Day!

Wanna see something in particular?  Lemme know and I'll give it whirl!

Adventures in Roller Derby: Episode 1, Newbie

    

     A few days ago, I was told by my doctor that I needed to retire from skating roller derby if I wanted to avoid surgery on my knee, and wanted to be walking at 50.  It is a tough pill to swallow.  Derby is more than you may think...or maybe you know exactly what I mean.  It's still such a fresh experience, that I honestly haven't reconciled the reality that I will not be bouting this season.  I had been battling with the effects that my most beloved sport was inflicting on my body, but when the decision was basically made for me, it was kind of a relief...but then the reality of it was heartbreaking.  No more Roller Derby?  AvaLanche has to retire?  I knew the state of my knees (having already undergone surgery 3 years ago) were on borrowed time, but...this wasn't what I expected.  I imagined my retirement would come from a gratuitous hit in the middle of an intensely exciting bout.  Nope, a walk on the beach and running with my son.  Yup.  It was that simple.  Damn aging body.

     Needless to say, (although I am a fan of redundancy so I will say it again), I am not having an easy time with the whole thing.  I decided that perhaps retelling my adventures in derby would help me to come to terms with the fact that my role in derby is evolving, and although competitive skating is not on my agenda, other exciting roles eagerly await.  I was told once by one of my professors that change, whether positive or negative, has to be dealt with in order for it to become an effective piece of your puzzle.  So, here is my "dealing" with this huge change.  I hope you enjoy the stories...I have enjoyed living them.

     Derby is the one of my most significant life experiences, ranking up there with getting married and having kids.  I hear sentiments like this regarding roller derby almost as often and dirty dishes keep reappearing.  Is serves so many purposes for so many different men and women.  It truly is amazing.  The sport itself and the community of people involved are absolutely unique and incredible.  There is nothing like it.  If you aren't familiar with derby...look up a local bout to attend.  You'll see what I mean and most likely be hooked forever.  My story starts as a happy little accident when I saw a flyer in a shop window.  (Yes! leaving flyers in businesses really does work for recruiting!)  I was looking for something to suit my love of aggressive sports and competitive play...plus, I was looking for a way to have fun exercising.  Perfect! I was gonna be a roller girl!!  Had I really ever skated before? Nope.  But, it said right there on the flyer "NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED! WE WILL TEACH YOU!"  Then, my head gets all up in the mix of my new mission.  "Wait, Hold on. Reality check, Jenn.  You have NEVER skated, don't own skates, don't know anyone, had never even really seen roller derby, and have absolutely no clue."  Bah! "So what", I said.  Mustered up every ounce of courage I could and (with an also interested co-worker by my side) went to an orientation meeting.  It was raining and there was no one on skates.  Huddling under the limited shelter listening to these incredible and strong women talk...I was IN.  200%. Only problem now?  I had to come up with some skates. Oh, and I had to learn how to skate.  No biggie, right?
     
     My first pair of skates were a pair of old Riedell Carreras (affectionately known to some as "ankle biters").  I found them for 25.00 bucks on Ebay.  I rounded up assorted protective gear from my sons' collection.  Bought myself a cheap 5 dollar mouth guard that was absolutely giant.  I was all set.  Little detail I chose to overlook...those skates I scored on Ebay were a size too small.  Meh, it'll be fine.  Right?  So I start Boot Camp.  I was so thankful that no one knew me by name and I could hide in anonymity. Seriously, I was like a baby giraffe on ice.  Ridiculous, really.  Gratefully, my coaches repeatedly said that everyone starts like that. I am determined.  I will do this.  Over the course of my 8 week bootcamp, I worked, I learned, and I improved.  I also cracked my tail bone and lost both my big toenails.  But, I passed my test (by the skin of my teeth) and sure as shit, I was a friggen' roller girl.  Damn straight!  I was an official skating member of South Coast Roller Derby.  I had no idea that this was just the beginning of the adventure of a lifetime, presenting some of the most joyous, intense, and excruciating experiences ever.

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Milestones...

I introduced myself as "almost 40".  Truth is, I turn 40 in two months and one day...not that I'm counting or anything.  The trouble with turning 40 is that it seems to be either a big deal or it isn't.  What if you're not sure if it's a big deal or not?  What if you're just following the tide of the "don't worry about it" or  the "it's so scary" people?  Sure, I am incredibly fortunate and happy with where my life is...so I'm not supposed to feel overwhelmed by the odometer rolling over to 40?  I dunno.  I am wrestling with it.  Like maybe some of you have.  Am I bothered by 40? Or am I feeling something else just because 40 is a milestone that makes me think?

Milestones seem to serve as celebrations of what we've accomplished.  But sometimes they serve as reminders of what we are leaving behind or perhaps haven't accomplished...or maybe accomplished subpar.  The term reminder is defined (one of several) as "a warning so that a mistake can be avoided."  I read that and thought, "ew"!  Really, I did.  I never thought of it that way.  I mean, as a negative.  Is my 40th serving as a "reminder" or a "celebration"?  I guess it's really up to me and how I decide to look at it.  Maybe that's easier said than done.  Just choose, right?  We face choices every day.  What shirt do I wear?  That's an easy one, right?  Well, maybe sometimes.  Then there are decisions that have more weight. Should I marry this man?  Should I take this job?  Should I start a family?  Yea, the bigger choices.  The ones we sometimes seek insight and support from our friends and family.  Choices have a ripple effect, like all the movies that show the characters what life would be like if they had chosen differently.  Maybe I need a magic 8 ball and just leave it to chance?  The more I think about it, the more I realize that there are so many ways people seek help in making decisions. Counselors, palm readers, psychics, personal superstitions, rituals, and divine insight are just to name a few.  Even with all the insight we can collect, we still have to make our own decisions,   and at the end of the day, we'll have figure out how to negotiate the choices we made.

So, what's your 40?  A celebration, a reminder, or something else?

Reminder. (2013) In FreeSauraus for Apple iOS (version 1.2.) [Mobile application software]