Slow and steady

Having blown through the first year of my forties, I have realized that this year...well, it sucked.  No, not all of it and I'm not a pessimist.  I simply feel that this year proved more challenging for me than I either expected, or was willing to admit.  I had written about change and how a huge wave of several big changes and shifts hit me at once this year.  I even said I was going to pull up my big girl panties and deal with it.  Um, I did not.  I gained weight.  I was cranky.  I didn't play with my friends.  I cried often.  I raged even more often.  Situation after situation was continually challenging me.  "Can I catch a break", I would joke.  "What am I not learning that this is happening again?", I would ask.  "Never a dull moment" I would say dryly with a sarcastic smile, when someone asked me how I was doing.  I actually got to the point where EVERYTHING was too much.  I have to do MORE dishes?  What do you mean you don't have underwear?  Do you guys really need another meal? I kinda just waded through the days trying to get to that quiet moment in the evening after the boys are asleep where I could say, "it's too late to get that done" and sit down on the couch and finally talk to my husband.  Mind you, it's 11:00 pm at that point and in another 6 hours it will start all over.  Like that movie Groundhog Day.  It may seem like I am writing this as if it is all a past tense adventure. 

It's not.

I am exhausted from the lessons of my fortieth year.  **I know, I know, I am not nearly done with life lessons and I'm merely a babe in the art of growing up.  This is a snapshot in my life long journey, so calm down if you think I'm whining.  I'm storytelling, it's different.** Okay, where was I?  Ah, yes.  Feeling crazy.  I actually said out loud at some point, "I think I'm going crazy."  Between kids and family and finances and jobs and life...well, I wasn't being super effective at much of it.  I was overwhelmed.  Ya feel me?  Yea, I know you do.  Recently, (and by recently I mean a few weeks) I decided I needed to make some changes.  Somehow I have to make myself the priority, and that is absolutely foreign to me.  Wrong, even. In order to be the priority I need to be able to see better.  So, It's time to make room.  "Clear my plate", so to speak.  Sounds like a good plan, right? How many of you out there have the "I just can't say no" syndrome?  It can also be translated to the "people pleasing disease".   Sound familiar?  How do I clear my plate when I can't say no...even to something that I KNOW is going to be problematic?  Simple (not really), but I am using the often said idea that when you turn forty, you just don't care as much what other people think. I must have heard that said a zillion times coming up to my fortieth birthday, and it is now serving as my reminder to do something different.  I'm going with the theory of "say it until it's true," or "fake it 'til you make it" since the idea of not caring so much is a long running issue for me.  Not only because I shouldn't care so much about what other people think...but also because other people are not worried about what I think.  I remember being told, "most people are not thinking about you as much as they are thinking about themselves!" Ha!  Too true.

 

Only a month or so away from opening another annual chapter in my life, I have had a few situations come up that I actually did the opposite of what I would normally do.  I said no.  I didn't worry (well, at least not enough to stop me) about what other people would think.  I didn't try to make people who don't care about me feel better.  I have limited how much time I spend on social media.  I made no apologies where they weren't merited.  I was honest when I spoke.  This post and my last post (Pressure Cooker) have a similar theme and clearly it is a focus of mine.  It hasn't been easy and I am by no means done, but today I was motivated to write about it because today I woke up and didn't feel the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I have made progress!  (Doing a little happy dance).  I feel like I can breathe.  I feel like there is space in my head to slow down, pause, and look around instead of being too busy, frustrated, or panicked with texts and emails and craziness.  You hear and see motivational sayings that say all progress, however slow, is still progress! The other part of the equation is that I need to slow down enough to be able to recognize it.  Clearing my plate of the things that weren't essential to my role or were toxic to my well being has been one of the most empowering moves I've made in a long long time.  And although the feelings of progress and success may come and go, I know the rewards of making small changes and allowing myself to be the priority every once in a while.  Slow and steady.  Slow and steady.